Funny Little Socks Read online

as soon as she was rid of the dinnerbell; and after they had all shaken hands until their wax and kid andchina wrists must have ached, the company rather unceremoniously marchedright into the dining-room. I suppose Mr. Montague was tremendouslyhungry, and gave his wife's hand a good pinch when he shook it, to makeher hurry things up; but, however that may be, they were walked in todinner in straight order. Mr. Morris sat by Miss Isabella, with hisforlorn old sister on the other hand, and as the opposite side of thetable looked rather bare, Minnie proposed that some of the childrenshould come down to fill up.

  "Oh, yes--and let them be dreadfully naughty and do all sorts ofmischief," said Maggie. So Miss Angelina Seraphina Montague, and MasterAlgernon Pop-eyes Montague (so called because he had glass eyes, whichstuck out in a lobster-ish fashion), were sent for in a hurry andbrought down by their nurse, a beautiful doll dressed as a French bonne,and Maggie. Algernon wore the costume of a sailor boy, and Angelina wasno other than a nun in a black robe! But never mind, they did very wellto fill up, and sat smirking at the company very genteelly.

  So, then, Lina made Mr. Montague begin.

  MR. MONT. Will you take some roast beef, Miss Morris?

  ALGERNON. No, papa, help me first!

  MR. M. Algy Pop-eyes Montague! be still! Here, Toby, hand Miss Morrisher plate.

  ALGY. Don't you do it, Toby!

  MRS. M. Hush up, you naughty boy!

  MR. M. Mr. Morris, here's some meat for you.

  MRS. M. Take some macaroni, Mr. Morris; it's real good.

  MR. MORRIS. Thank you, ma'am; I think I will.

  So the company were helped; though, as the meat and vegetables wereglued fast to the dishes they were on, I'm afraid they must have hadrather a slim dinner.

  Then Maggie went on.

  MISS ISABELLA. Mr. Morris, I think I am rather tired of that uniform ofyours; it makes you look too high in the neck. When we are married, youought to have a dress coat.

  ANGELINA. H-a! h-a-a-a! he hasn't got any other coat! _I_ wouldn't marryan old goose with only one suit!

  MRS. M. For shame, Miss! your father hadn't but one when we weremarried; but, bless me! what _is_ Algernon doing?

  Sure enough, Master Algy _was_ doing something extraordinary, for Maggiehad made him overset the dish of potatoes in the middle of the table,and then jump up and sit on the back of his chair, with both legs in theair!

  MRS. M. My pasence! _what_ a naughty boy! Toby, take this bad boy rightup stairs; I am socked! (shocked.)

  ALGY. Oh, boo-hoo! boo-hoo! please let me stay!

  MRS. M. Well, then, behave yourself.

  MISS MORRIS. Mrs. Montague, I think you had _better_ send your childrenaway; they are too bad for anything.

  ANGELINA. Oh! oh! I wouldn't be your child for a dollar! ("That's justwhat I say to my big sister!" put in Maggie in her proper person.)

  MRS. M. Oh, they are dear little things; they only do it in fun, MissMorris.

  MR. MORRIS. Well, I don't see it. If they were my children, I shouldlock them up in a dark closet.

  MISS MORRIS. So should I.

  ANGELINA. H-a! h-a-a-a! that's just where you are kept yourself!

  MISS MORRIS. Oh, I _shall_ faint!

  MRS. M. Angelina! you sha'n't have any pudding for being so bad. There,I guess it's time for dessert,"--and without condescending to ask if thecompany were through dinner, Mrs. Montague, with a wave of herlily-white kid hand, ordered Toby to clear away the dishes; and, thepudding and jelly being put on the table, Lina went on:

  MR. M. Miss Morris, have some plum-pudding?

  TOBY. No, take some ob de jolly, missis; he so _jolly_ good! _I_ tasteum!

  Mr. M. Toby, I am _astonissed_! I shall have to discharge you to-morrow.

  "And have an Irishman come!" cried Minnie; "and talk funny, like ourPatrick!"

  "Yes, that will be real fun!" said Lina. "There, they have had dinnerenough; let them go in the parlor now."

  Accordingly, the company had their chairs pushed back for them and weretaken into the parlor, all but the naughty children, who had to be sentstraight to bed, they were so bad. Mr. and Mrs. Montague tookpossession of the arm chairs, as they were the oldest; Miss Morris wasaccommodated with an uncommonly hard ottoman without any back, in thecorner; Mr. Morris plumped down on the sofa, as that was the only seatlarge enough for him, and the play went on (Minnie speaking).

  MR. MORRIS. Miss Isabella, I wish you would sing us a song.

  ISABELLA. Oh, really, I have _sitch_ a bad cold. I don't think I can.

  MR. MORRIS. Oh, please do, Miss Isabella! Sing that pretty song aboutthe little milkmaid.

  ISABELLA. Well, I'll see if I can.

  So Maggie made the young lady take a funny little scrap of music out ofthe stand (called a Canterbury), and put it on the piano. The title ofthe piece on the outside was, "Souvenirs de l'Opera," which means inEnglish "Recollections of the Opera," but it did just as well for asong. Miss Isabella was seated at the piano, and Maggie moved her handsup and down the keys, to look as if she were playing; while in her ownsweet bird-like voice she sang for her this song:

  "'Where are you going, my pretty maid? Where are you going, my pretty maid?' 'I'm going a milking, sir,' she said, 'I'm going a milking, sir,' she said.

  "'May I go with you, my pretty maid? May I go with you, my pretty maid?' 'Yes, if you please, kind sir,' she said, 'Yes, if you please, kind sir,' she said.

  "'What is your father, my pretty maid? What is your father, my pretty maid?' 'My father's a farmer, sir,' she said, 'My father's a farmer, sir,' she said.

  "'Oh, then may I marry you, my pretty maid? Then may I marry you, my pretty maid?' 'Yes, if you please, kind sir,' she said, 'Yes, if you please, kind sir,' she said.

  "'What is your _fortune_, my pretty maid? What is your _fortune_, my pretty maid?' 'My _face_ is my fortune, sir,' she said, 'My _face_ is my fortune, sir,' she said.

  "'Oh, then I _can't_ marry you, my pretty maid! But then I _won't_ marry you, my pretty maid!' 'Nobody asked you, sir!' she said, 'NOBODY ASKED YOU, SIR!!' she said!"

  The dolls all clapped their hands very hard when Miss Isabella finishedsinging, as if they liked it "first rate." Mr. Morris leaned back so farin his seat, either from admiration or because he was slipping off,that his eyes suddenly shut up, and opened with a queer little popinside of him when Minnie righted him. As to Miss Morris, she glared atthe company with her old white eyeballs as if she was looking downinside of herself to see how the pudding had agreed with her.

  Then Maggie went on.

  MISS ISABELLA. There! how do you like _that_?

  MR. MORRIS. Oh, thank you, Miss Isabella; it's the sweetest song I everheard.

  MRS. MONTAGUE. Won't you sing us a song, Mr. Morris?

  MR. M. No, I believe I must go now. I have all my things to pack up, sowe can start off travelling right away. Come, sister, stick the roots ofyour hair in, and open your distressed looking eyes, and let us be offhome.

  "I wonder if her eyes _will_ open?" said Maggie.

  "Let's try!" said Lina. "Give the wire a good, hard pull."

  As she spoke, she caught hold of the wire and gave a tremendous jerk,when, dreadful to relate, POP! out came poor Miss Morris's eyescompletely! and tumbled down somewhere inside of her! leaving two greatholes in her head of the most fearful description!

  The children stared at her in round-eyed astonishment. Now she wascertainly too hideous to come to the wedding; and the little girlstried to look as sorry as they could for her, but it was no use; MissMorris was such a ridiculous object, that they all three burst into fitsof laughing. Lina, who had hold of the poor thing, shook so with glee,that the eyes rattled up and down inside her head like a pack ofcrackers going off, which made the children laugh still more.

  At last Minnie contriv
ed to check herself, and made the brother say,rather unfeelingly:

  Mr. Morris. There you go with your eyes out! A pretty figure you've madeof yourself.

  Miss Isabella. Oh! _oh!!_ OH!!! OH!!!!

  MRS. M. Goody, Isabella's got the hysterics! Get some water, quick! whatshall I do?

  MISS MORRIS. Oh, my eye! my eye! it's _sich_ a pain!

  MR. MONTAGUE. Toby, bring some water this minute.

  TOBY. (_Minnie brings him in with a pitcher._) Here, massa, here dewater. My! see de ole woman wid her eye out! ha! ha!

  MRS. M. Toby, put down that water, and go 'way.

  Minnie accordingly made believe that Toby was pouring water right on thefloor; then she turned the pitcher upside down in his hand, and spokefor him.

  TOBY. Dere de